The Pitters' Place

I realise that one of the main things preventing me from getting out there and trying to date is the fear that if someone asks for sex and I turn them down, I might get raped.

While I know there are always exceptions, generally speaking:

1) Would most people be able to accept it if someone does not agree to sex them? Does this change if they didn't ask but just assumed and took the initiative, and then the other person tries to get them to stop groping them or whatever?

(Even if they continue to be persistent and keep asking, for the sake of this argument I'd consider it accepting the refusal, because it suggests they still need that 'yes' before they go any further.)

2) Do rapists even bother asking?

I think most people are not rapists (i.e. most people will accept it if someone does not agree to sex them), and some rapists do ask, but ignore the noes, or convince themselves the noes are really yesses in disguise.

The biggest problem with rape in our world is not that most people are rapists, it's that most rape is excused and ignored. That said, the odds of you being raped might be higher if you go out and date, or just go out in general, as opposed to being a hermit and having no social life.

Yes - the vast majority of people accept refusals. How well they accept it may be another thing, but they will accept it. I suspect some people will get people will get bad tempered/throw a tantrum/call the "refuser" names/dump them - but that's very much the minority and if they are like that and you don't want to have sex with them, just because they're acting like that is not a good reason to have sex with them.

It's extremely rare that they'll actually turn violent and if you're essentially saying "should I let myself be raped to avoid the chance of getting raped?" then the answer has to be "hell, no!" - because the chances are you're not going to be raped, so it has to be better to take that tiny chance rather than opt for a certainty.

And as for "them assuming" after a bit of kissing/groping/whatever that goes too far, you always have the right to say that you don't want to take it any further than what you're comfortable with and to ask them to stop.

My two cents anyway (for what its worth).

Make sure the first time you meet the person is in a public place and you get there by yourself. Meaning if you have a car, drive your own car, get your own taxi. So you can leave whenever you want, and public because... obviously public. If you can do it a group thing that's better.

Like Bruce said most people are not rapists. However, I know men, men are horrible creatures, any kind of refusal hurt their egos so a sex refusal might not be very well accepted. So be prepared for that one. Even if they don't call you tease or throw a tantrum at your face (it might happen), they might ignore you afterwards, refuse to acknowledge you or send you insulting texts. #notallmen.

But also there are decent people out there, which is why it's better to make the encounter public or in a group, not too intimate, so you get a chance to meet the person without compromise and you can bail if you feel it's necessary.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that is not rape what you should be worried about. It's oversensitivity that comes with male entitlement what it's more common in the dating world. I wonder if lesbians experience this.

Thanks!

and if you're essentially saying "should I let myself be raped to avoid the chance of getting raped?" then the answer has to be "hell, no!" - because the chances are you're not going to be raped, so it has to be better to take that tiny chance rather than opt for a certainty.

Ha, yeah - that was sort of what I was asking. Though for me it's the idea that if I consent to everything, I'd never end up having non-consensual sex unless it's the proverbial rapist hiding in dark alleys to ambush people, and could instead have a pleasant if perhaps half-hearted and regretted sexual encounter instead of risk a deeply traumatic, life-scarring one.

@Liszt - I read somewhere that about a third of lesbians get raped by other lesbians, so if that's true then they're not safe either. #notalllesbians

Apparently there's a serial rapist running loose among the gay bars here - one of his victims is a friend of an acquaintance, and he refused to report the crime because he's not out to his parents, and lodging a police report would also likely end with him in jail. The police generally don't actively enforce the anti-gay laws here, but it's another matter if some guy walks into a police station and openly admits that they were in a gay bar trying to get laid and finally did end up having sex with another man, albeit non-consensually. It sucks. :/ Especially knowing the culprit is probably fully aware of this loophole and has been exploiting it.

Ha, yeah - that was sort of what I was asking. Though for me it's the idea that if I consent to everything, I'd never end up having non-consensual sex unless it's the proverbial rapist hiding in dark alleys to ambush people, and could instead have a pleasant if perhaps half-hearted and regretted sexual encounter instead of risk a deeply traumatic, life-scarring one.

Reminds me of Daenerys and Drogo's first encounter. Even though she "consented" it was pretty clear she didn't want it. People still categorize that as rape.