how do you not lead someone on without being rude

[Anakin McFly]

There's this guy at church whom I think is interested in me. I am not at all interested in him. He's a nice guy and all, but just completely not my type in looks or personality or anything, and also he's way older than me and that kind of creeps me out; plus he's only here for a few months, and I don't want short-term or long-distance relationships. (Also, I'm in the process of slowly pursuing another guy whose mere presence makes me happy with the universe, and he's pretty much the only person I'm interested in dating at the moment.) He's tried striking up conversation a few times (he saw me playing the keyboards and was apparently really impressed), so we chatted a bit, and he added me on Facebook and said we should meet up for a meal or something. It would have been rude to say no, so I suggested going for lunch after church with other people instead. He agreed, and we did that. Among other things he asked if I was in a relationship and I said no, and he said he wasn't either. At the end of the meal he asked for my number, saying we could have dinner or something one day - he said a few of the guys go out sometimes and I could join them. It would have been pretty rude to say nope you can't have it, so I gave him my number.

So he just messaged me asking if I'm free for dinner this week. I asked who was going, and that I was quite busy, and he said "it was just an idea". Maybe he meant just us, and might have been offended. idk it's hard to tell tone from text. But I'm freaking out a bit that this might be moving into date territory. I am not interested in dating him. (I do know a mutual friend who's been totally crushing on him, but I'm not sure if it's reciprocated.) I don't want to be presumptive and tell him outright that I just want to be friends, because maybe he also just wants to be friends and then everything would be awkward if I implied that I thought he thought otherwise.

what do I do, help. I have zero experience with relationships and can't even tell with certainty if someone is flirting with me or just being friendly.
Do I just send a brutally honest text and deal with the awkwardness
Do I find a way to tell him I'm trans and hope that he's transphobic
Do I just start ignoring and avoiding him and hope he gets the hint

[Unvoiced_Apollo]

Is his personality at all something that could be considered unhealthy for a relationshop? Or is it just his type is not one you're attracted to?

If he is a decent enough guy & it's just an issue of chemistry, you could always try distracting him with your friend. Though, now that I think about it, that's probably terrible advice.

[sikax]

The first two or three times he asks you out, make up an excuse not to go. If he persists after three times then he hasn't caught the hint and you tell him you're not interested. Easy.

There isn't really a way to do it where he doesn't get a little hurt, but it won't last. Just don't drag it out.

[Gypsy-Vanner]

At my age I don't care much for prolonging anything that makes me uncomfortable so if some guy I'm not interested in romantically asks me to dinner I let them know as clearly as possible that any dinner I attend will be as friends only as I am not interested in anything past that.

Sure, feelings may get ruffled but I really don't think it's my responsibility to walk on eggshells so as to not hurt someone's feelings in that kind of situation. I'm not saying I'd be like "yo dumbshit, I ain't into you" but I sure as heck will ensure up front my feelings and how far they go.

[Cassius Clay]

Tease.

[thesalmonofdoubt]

At my age I don't care much for prolonging anything that makes me uncomfortable so if some guy I'm not interested in romantically asks me to dinner I let them know as clearly as possible that any dinner I attend will be as friends only as I am not interested in anything past that.

Sure, feelings may get ruffled but I really don't think it's my responsibility to walk on eggshells so as to not hurt someone's feelings in that kind of situation. I'm not saying I'd be like "yo dumbshit, I ain't into you" but I sure as heck will ensure up front my feelings and how far they go.

^ something along the lines of this I guess.. altho I'm with you on its enormously uncomfortable being really on either side of this equation. As for how to about it, it kinda depends on the circumstances and whether you are pretty sure they are actually after a date or really just interested in hitting out with you for dinner and to spend some time.
From the sounds of things - it deffo sounds like he is hitting on you so, I wouldn't worry too much about the whole "presumption" thing .. If you enjoy his company for his company's sake, then I'd go out and have the dinner but throw in a whole bunch of rhetoric around my complete lack of interest in being in a relationship in a general sense so as not to make it about him and his feelings.

If that doesn't do it - I'd keep stepping up the enthusiasm for being single until the message does come across.

[BruceSmith78]

You could do what I always did and just be super shy and awkward until people either think you don't like them or they lose interest in you. Of course with me it wasn't really a conscious choice.

[Anakin McFly]

ha yeah, the thing is that I am looking for a relationship, just not with him. I've been decidedly unenthusiastic about being single, all the more that after all this time, if I do get into a relationship I want it to be with one of the many other guys I am actually attracted to.

Is his personality at all something that could be considered unhealthy for a relationshop? Or is it just his type is not one you're attracted to?

More of the latter. There's nothing wrong with his personality and he's not bad looking, but he's this blondish white guy about twice my size (not really fat, just solidly built), looks disturbingly like Colin Firth, and is pretty much the direct opposite of my type, which tends towards skinny dark-haired guys who don't seem entirely human. Basically Keanu. Whom I'm oddly not actually attracted to. I just love him with a burning platonic love. Plus English is his third or fourth language, we don't have common interests, he's too old, and I have a subconscious aversion to being with someone who could, physically-speaking, potentially kill me with his bare hands if he ever got angry enough.

But he's otherwise a decent guy; which is what makes this hard. I guess if he asks again I'll be upfront about it. But I'm also trying really hard not to make this awkward, because we see each other at church each week.

[Dr_Liszt]

Haha, I used to do all that stuff you do. (except I did that on purpose because I was evil attention whore.) So no.
Do what Syntax said. Decline the few times he asks you out and if it gets into that territory tell him you are not looking for a relationship right now. Even if you are. He doesn't have to know.

Now if he keeps insisting I don't know what to tell you, and if gets angry because you gave him his number and "in a man's world that means you want sex with him, how dare you leading him on you slut!!" I suggest ignoring. Men kind of suck.

[Anakin McFly]

You could do what I always did and just be super shy and awkward until people either think you don't like them or they lose interest in you.

That's what I do by default. He didn't seem to notice.

[Unvoiced_Apollo]

Still like my idea of throwing your friend at him .

[Boomer]

Haha, I used to do all that stuff you do. (except I did that on purpose because I was evil attention whore.)

"Was"?

[Dr_Liszt]

I still am.

[Whitey]

I still am.

Good.

[Unvoiced_Apollo]

I still am.

Good.

You mean "Evil".

[Anakin McFly]

Still like my idea of throwing your friend at him .

Apparently that friend has been actively and enthusiastically trying to get hold of him, and they were hanging out together today so that was great and I was proud that my friend had succeeded, and I just avoided them as much as I could.

...and then a few minutes ago, that guy liked one of my Facebook photos from all the way back in March. Granted, I don't post that many photos so it wasn't that far back, but it still means he's been trawling through my Facebook photos and I'm a bit creeped out now. I stalk people's Facebook photo galleries all the time, but I don't actually click the like button so nobody would know that I was stalking them. Also he reblogged a job opening for some programming thing after I posted about programming stuff at work, and arghhh can he just stop. D:

Another friend advised just ignoring him and hope he gets the hint.

I'm particularly wary about older guys because I still look like a teenager, and anyone in their 30s who is interested in someone who still gets occasionally mistaken for a teenager is just kind of creepy.

...I hate Facebook. but it's about the only way I have to conveniently keep in touch with my friends around the world. and then people add me and I feel obliged to add them back, even if I don't want to.

[Ptolemy_Banana]

Just tell him you're not interested in dating him. If he thinks that's rude, fuck him (not literally), because it's not.

[BruceSmith78]

Just tell him you're not interested in dating him. If he thinks that's rude, fuck him (not literally), because it's not.

Really, this is the best advice on the thread I think.

[Anakin McFly]

fuck him (not literally)

[Ptolemy_Banana]

As a matter of interest, is the friend who's interested in the guy much older than you?

[Anakin McFly]

We're not close enough for me to know his exact age, but he's probably late 20s/early 30s and actually looks his age.